I see that ad for The Lake House, and all I can think about is that hideous chunky turtleneck Keanu Reeves is wearing. I want to look away, but I can't. I'm obsessed with it, so I just sit there and watch with the sort of grim fascination usually reserved for slasher films and presidential elections, and when at last the sweater appears—in all its hateful glory—I feel my blood run cold. That sweater is anathema to me. It's appalling, and I can't even say exactly why.

As a general rule, I don't wear these types of sweaters because they make me feel slightly suffocated, but it has never before bothered me when another person chose to wear one. So what, you may ask, is so terrible about this particular sweater? Well, I can tell you that part of it is my personal distate for men in turtlenecks. Something about a man in a turtleneck looks affected and unnatural to me. I mean, what are they going for? Casual WASPiness? Hoping to be scouted for a J. Crew modeling contract? I don't like it. And I think Nick had the right idea about Keanu's sweater situation when he said it was probably the result of the actor bringing a piece of clothing from home, believing it would be perfect for the character. But this was a mistake, and it was the mistake of Director Alejandro Agresti to permit it on the set.

Aside from issues of fashion, however, I really couldn't pinpoint my reasons for disliking the sweater. Maybe it's because the turtleneck looks like a living organism that is about to swallow Keanu's head. I don't know. I just know that looking at it fills me with quiet dread. It's like someone used the Necronomicon to open a portal to hell and this sweater is what came out of it.

If you still don't get what I'm saying, try reading Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" again and substitute the words "Keanu's sweater" for "the old man's eye." Then perhaps you'll understand that the sweater must be stopped, for its every fiber is infused with evil. A pox on this film for unleashing such horrors on the world.

Stay tuned: The Superman Returns review will be incoming soon. Men in capes = good. Men in turtlenecks = suffering beyond measure.

Tags: movies, popculture, scared