Well, The Onion does horoscopes, so I thought I'd give it a go. If you like this new feature, I may do it again. If you hate it, I will probably do it again anyway. You should know that it's not that I don't value your opinion. Of course I do. After all we've been through together, how could I not? I love you like (please choose the appropriate category): a brother/a sister/a grandmother/a best friend/my lesbian lover/Benicio del Toro/suede boots/Moons Over My Hammy. But seriously, if I have fun writing these horoscopes, then I'm likely to do more in the future. There's not much you can do about it.

So here we go.

Aries: Today, you will find yourself in a maze, devouring dots and, occasionally, fruit. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, you will be visited by ghosts (anywhere from one to four at a time). These ghosts are not benevolent spirit entities who have come to show you the true meaning of Christmas, however. They are there to kill you. So run away as fast as that jaundiced, legless body can carry you.

Taurus: Your evil clone will attempt take over your life and family today. I can tell you now that your chances of survival are not good. Not that you couldn't defeat him if you exhibited uncharacteristic resourcefulness and developed some sort of high-tech weapon on the spur of the moment . . . but how likely is that, really? I mean, look how you did on that physics test.

Gemini: Today, Gemini, you will wish you had not sold your soul to the devil. He'll show up at your door demanding a refund, and when you ask him for the receipt, he won't have it on him. In the end, you'll get your soul back and everything, but there will be a few very awkward moments.

Cancer: Today, you will become the first monkey to launch a line of designer apparel. The collection will include bubble-head spacesuits, green rain slickers, and blue and white striped flannel pajamas. Enjoy your success without guilt. One caveat: this is a fickle industry. Opposable thumbs may go out of fashion just as quickly as they came in.

Leo: Greetings, Leo. That waitress is totally stalking you.

Virgo: You will receive an expensive gift from your husband today that will make the other mob wives extremely jealous, even dangerously so. If one of them should happen to give you a dish of baked ziti, for God's sake dump it in the garbage disposal at once. I would also stay away from baptisms for a few weeks.

Libra: Today, Libra, you should avoid making eye contact with anyone wearing mittens. Mutants will be attacking your town in the early afternoon, and they will be trying to camouflage their giant pincers.

Scorpio: Scorpio, why, oh why did you have to steal the death mask of Pretty Boy Floyd? Your frat brothers aren't impressed, and the feds are closer to catching you than ever. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sagittarius: The natural phosphorescent glow in your head tentacle may desert you at a critical moment today. Have a back-up light source prepared.

Capricorn: Cold, cold—it is so cold on your solitary throne, dear Capricorn. You pore over philosophy texts, but they offer no succor for your soul. Your trusted advisers tell you news of your latest military victory, but even the expansion of your kingdom cannot rattle you out of your despair. "Is it truly better to be feared than loved?" you ask the taxidermied corpse of your brother, whom you had murdered so that you might more quickly assume the throne. There he stands in the corner, brandishing an enormous turkey leg and grinning, just as he was at the moment of his death. But he has no answers.

Aquarius: Today you will begin to doubt the legitimacy of the movie you are filming when seventeen goats are led onto the set.

Pisces: At long last, Pisces, you will reveal your secret love for Antonin Scalia to a cold, uncaring world. The world, as always, will respond by ignoring you. Scalia, however, will call the police. This will occur when you show up at his door, drunk, with an armful of flowers, several containers of crab rangoon, and an entourage of masked revellers.