This is what I imagine the movie Saw is about. Keep in mind, I have no real basis for these speculations, other than what little I've gleaned from the ads.

The Dread Pirate Westley gets kidnapped and locked in a dingy, poorly lit room. Upon regaining consciousness, he discovers that his wrists and ankles are manacled. A note has been left at his feet, and it goes something like this:

"Hi there! You have been selected for an experiment in psychological torture! I've left you a saw so you can cut off one of your limbs and leave. Don't worry about a thing, though. There's an incredibly obvious flaw in my sinister plan that will allow you to escape."

So Westley hangs out awhile, literally, and pretty soon a lovely companion is ushered in. She's a doctor or some such, and she can tell Westley exactly what will happen if he takes the invisible madman up on his devilish deal. "You'll likely bleed to death," she says. They laugh at their situation and then engage in some improbable, flirtatious banter.

Next, they see a trickle of water spill across the floor. The trickle gets wider and soon spreads to cover the length of the floor. Westley and his lady have a problem. Should they saw off a limb apiece and take their freedom now, or remain shackled and drown? Westley and the doctor argue until the water is up to their knees, at which point a bunch of zombies in Ocean Pacific wetsuits come charging in. Their undead groans are kind of muffled by the rebreathers, but they still sound pretty darn menacing. About that time, Westley notices there has been a drain beside his right foot all along! But the drain is blocked by a heavy object, so the doctor has to kind of dive down and move it with her jaw. They are saved! The water ebbs out the drain, and Westley makes a comment on the doctor's wet t-shirt. Next, they focus their attention on the zombies, who have started a glacier-slow siege. The doctor manages to get the saw between her feet and flips it up into Westley's hands. Such suspense! Luckily, he catches the blunt end. He kills all of the zombies but one, and the doctor takes care of that one. She head butts it, knocking it unconscious. Westley gives her an inquisitive look, wondering how she knew this technique would work. "Gross anatomy, stupid," she says.

They kiss.

Next, the sadist who locked them up in the first place makes an appearance. He's angry, and he's played by Gary Oldman.

"How have you defeated my army of wetsuit zombies!?" he demands. "Never has anyone been clever enough to defeat my army of wetsuit zombies!"

He's wielding the biggest chainsaw ever built. Westley can clearly see a label on the side that reads "WARNING: Not FDA-approved!" Westley and the doctor are terrified. They cower in each other's arms while Gary Oldman pontificates about the human condition and what people will do in order to survive.

And now for the deus ex machina. An enormous golden hawk with rainbows in its eyes swoops in THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW (how did Gary Oldman fail to think of that?!) and grasps Westley and the doctor with its mighty talons. It carries them away to a land of milk and honey, where washed-up actors can find decent gigs and heavy metal musicians never die.

And that's about the size of it.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll kiss eight bucks good-bye.