Here is a brief guide for those who wish to become hip in a hurry. Follow these guidelines, and you will attain a degree of hipness you never thought possible. Your friends will beg you to reveal your secrets, but keep in mind that a truly hip person never acknowledges having put forth any effort toward anything.

Rule # 1. Drop the names of philosophers into your daily conversations to show how smart you are. Nietzsche should be pronounced "Nitch" whenever possible. Avoid mentioning philosophers with more difficult names like Kierkegaard and Schopenhauer, who never said anything worthwhile anyway. The premise of existentialism is that there is no such thing as human nature or essence, so make sure to turn this into a fervent argument for moral relativism. You will garner the respect of everyone who hears you, even in passing.

Rule #2. Your hair should always be messy—this shows you have a healthy disregard for convention. Spend thirty minutes if necessary so that it has that perfect tousled look as if you just rolled out of bed. Your stylist can help you select the proper product for your hair. Accessory note: the perfect complement for messy hair is dark, squarish glasses.

Rule #3. Vintage, vintage, vintage. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is important to tell people you're wearing vintage if they do not seem to notice. "I got this pair of Diesels for $10 at the trading company." Wearing trendy brand labels is okay, even admirable, as long as they are second-hand. This is how you stick it to The Man.

Rule #4. Familiarize yourself with Thai cuisine, and be prepared to mention which restaurant has "shrimp rolls to die for." Indian restaurants are hip, too, but any accolades must be followed by a disclaimer that certain dishes are prepared with too much curry for your taste.

Rule #5. Talk about every band as if you have just been disillusioned by them. "For awhile I was really digging the White Stripes, but recently they've become so commercial. I feel like a hypocrite listening to them." This demonstrates that you have a critical ear and are not simply adhering to the dictates of popular culture. Drive the point home by naming obscure bands that are paragons of musical integrity. If you don't know any obscure bands, make one up (The Naked, Headless Barbie Dolls, or some such). No one will ever know, because the only thing that is registering with your audience is how hip you are. If someone mentions a band with which you are unfamiliar, create a diversion (spilling your coffee, for example) and change the subject as quickly as possible. An alternative is to shrug when the unfamiliar band is mentioned and say, "they're too derivative for me." (Sidenote: the only mainstream act that is worth your time is Elvis Costello, who is, in your estimation, the greatest living singer/songwriter.)

Congratulations young one! You are well on your way to attaining just the right combination of restless intellectualism and disaffected youth. Live hip and prosper!

Tags: popculture