See Kyle, a 45-year-old construction worker from Duluth, face off with an El Monterey beef and bean red chili frozen burrito. Who will be triumphant in this unsavory smackdown?!?

The first phase is no contest: The burrito will be placed in the microwave oven for 1 minute, 15 seconds, and then will be allowed to cool for another two minutes. If Kyle is able to suspend all sense of taste, possibly by holding his nose, he will almost certainly succeed in masticating and ingesting the entire frozen burrito. This is like climbing to base camp on Everest—it requires no exceptional skill. But once the last bite of the beef and bean red chili frozen burrito has been swallowed, the true battle begins.

The burrito will pass through the esophagus to the stomach. This is where the frozen burrito will make its first real stand, attempting to provoke Kyle's insides to the point of emesis. If Kyle manages to suppress this onslaught, the burrito will then be deluged by acrid bile from the liver, which has been specially formulated to weaken the attack capabilities of its enemies. But if the burrito makes it through the gauntlet of the small intestine (where it will be further hosed down with digestive juices), it is still capable of wreaking apocalyptic havoc once it reaches the large intestine and colon. This may be the most perilous point for Kyle. The remnants of beef pattie mix and pinto beans could form a coalition that would send Kyle scrambling for the nearest Johnny-on-the-Spot. If this occurs, the burrito will be declared the unequivocal winner. If Kyle has the intestinal fortitude to withstand the burrito's wrath, however, he will become more powerful than you can possible imagine.

Kyle's strengths: Kyle has an iron-clad stomach, inured to gastronomic hardship by years of being served nothing but Ding-Dongs and convenience store cheese dogs. Caveat: Kyle has never faced off with any opponent this formidable.

Frozen burrito's strengths: Highly volatile components, plus a good track record of disabling its foes. It's possible that the high concentration of chili powder will be the frozen burrito's ace in the hole. Caveat: Perhaps Kyle has spent the last five years building up an immunity to chili powder.

Will Kyle emerge victorious, or will he be humbled by the gastrointestinal hijinks of the burrito? Is it only a colorful metaphor to say that the burrito will be reduced to dogmeat, and will it take its rightful place at the top of the food chain?

Tune in to find out!

Tags: anthropomorphism